jast@www Version 4.2a (archive)
translated from the German version

If we were in an ideal world, I wouldn't be writing this article, I'd merely ask myself how someone could possibly care about it and then drop it. Just like I'd do with the idea of writing an article about me being left-handed.

But as you might know, our world is far from perfect. And along comes this article. What I'm trying to do here is show up some common misconceptions and simply wrong beliefs and while I'm at it, I'm also going to tell you another bit of the story of my life.

I am gay...

An "I see" dialogue (you know, that kind of talk where someone tells something incredibly exciting and the other one just keeps nodding from time to time and waiting for someone else to rescue them) might start from that sentence, as well as a round of asking questions. Or maybe a problem with rejection or even isolation. Until now, I haven't ever started any conversation with these famous words (and I'd rather keep it that way) but a very similar one turned the second way, and the other party started launching questions at me.

That's the better way out, though--some people experience different things. Jarle Aase, norwegian software author and maintainer of jgaa.com, writes: "[...] Some people have problems to view a male gay person as anything else than just that. Gay. Actually, I eat, I sleep, I work, I fall in love, I fight, I view movies, I listen to music - just like anyone else :-) To be gay is not a lifestyle. [...] It just means that when I fall in love, I fall in love with another boy." Since all this is a mere list of facts, I'm gonna spare myself any comments about it and jump right on.

If you're utterly surprised about all this, take a look at my profile again, you might have missed a word in an image I present there.

How did it happen?

As if I know. When looking for other people's answers to this question, I found just about any kind of answer you can think of. The average answer said something like "I always knew I'm gay but only recently I actually realised it". When you consider that sexuality doesn't accompany anyone from the start of their lives, this might be a little extreme. My personal first "gay memory" is from summer in 2000. I can't give any details here to ensure the privacy of all other people involved (nothing "happened", if that's what you wanted to know). My older memories are at best fragments that don't make any sense on their own.

In 2000's summer I was 16, going on 17. Before it, I never ogled at anyone for their stunning beauty and whatever. Only about six months later did I realise that looks did matter. I was on the train back home from school and suddenly I started wondering whether I could be gay. It explained so many of the questions I had been asking myself... in the following days, I started actually noticing what other boys looked like (faces, for now), and I was in for the ride. That should've been clear evidence for me but I wasn't satisfied yet, and I kept wondering and moving the same thoughts over and over in my brain for a few days or weeks. At some point, I was pretty convinced of it.

However, to date I haven't fallen in love yet, and that's still a reason for me to doubt I'm gay all over and until the end of time. Knowing my luck something even more complicated will come up the moment I do fall in love.

What was it like?

The time before I realised IT wasn't great at all. Until I did, I was stuck in a major depression and I just couldn't figure out where it came from. Looking back, it might well have been this missing part of me. This theory is supported by the fact that when I first decided to share my thoughts with someone (someone turned out to be my mother), I instantly felt great and relieved and everything, and my mood on the next morning was so good that I got out of bed immediately (perhaps a first time).

What followed was actually fairly nice and exciting. When you suddenly notice that looks do matter, a lot of new perspectives and ways of thinking appear. And thinking surely is one of my hobbies.

But what if it was a lifestyle?

I've already explained that being gay doesn't make an entire lifestyle. Here's an experiment of what would happen if it was.

Ok, so I am it. Obviously, by having chosen that particular irregularity, I not only created confusion and brought a fairly unknown, rarely discussed and often misunderstood topic to everyone's attention but also made myself an individual character that clearly stands out from the faceless masses, and like we all know from watching the broadcasts of mainstream pop music TV stations, standing out from the rest and being indigestible is great and everyone should have it (order now! 1-800-STAR). And I could achieve all this without even mentioning the word I'm talking about all the time! Moreover, since I will be able to keep it like that until the end of this section, I'm showing dynamics and the ability to juggle with language and make it do everything I want without any effort, though I have to admit I'm not nearly as good at it as some prominent people are (the example I'm giving in the German version doesn't have an English counterpart I know of, so you'll have to live without an example. If by any chance you do understand German, be sure to read the German version of this paragraph too).

Even rambling is something I'm obviously good at, big (-head) time. But let's get back to the original topic (remember it?).

Up to this point the world is pure harmony and joy. But when, while I was on my still not abandoned search for good TV show, one of the mainstream pop music TV stations I mentioned earlier suddenly appeared on the screen yesterday (as in, the day I started writing the German version of this article), everything changed forever.

(Visual break to increase the dramatic atmosphere)

Since that day, I lie restlessly in my bed every night, feverishly searching for an alternative. Strictly speaking, it was only one night, I didn't even bother to go to bed and said night isn't over yet, but it's the idea that counts, isn't it.

It was yesterday, 8th September at 9:55 pm on MTV Germany. The show "DisMissed" was on air. "DisMissed" is about two people who bitch at each other and a third person who throws out the person who started bitching and taking the other into a headlock. Now, every earlier series of it that I watched coincidentally featured two people of the same sex bitching at each other and a third person of another sex. Until yesterday, I had come to the assumption that this was required by the concept of the series but I hadn't figured out the reasons yet.

In this specific show, however, I was caught by surprise by the appearance of three men and no woman whatsoever.

I was shocked (and awed). Not only had I completely misjudged the show's concept but I also realised that even that couldn't help me answer my question of what kind of sense there was in this show and why its rules were so astoninglishly brainless. In my state of near mental breakdown, I luckily managed to switch off the TV set. After that, two other things came to my mind:

  1. I had barely rescued myself from experiencing brain death in the last second.
  2. My image I had prepared in hours of dull and exhausting work wasn't half as individual as I had come to think it was.
  3. In conclusion, decades of my life had been reduced to uselessness and a total waste of time.
  4. The attack on my brain had impaired the ability to count the number of things in my mind.

Now I'm sitting here in the middle of the ruins of my near-perfect image and I ask myself, why, god, why????//

Why this article anyway?

Because I wanted to write it. No flashy suits, no strings attached. I'm tired. I'm sending this online now, good night.

This article was last updated on 2004-12-21.


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